cancer for christmas: Archive

when you died, part of me died.

positive thoughts positive thoughts positive thoughts positive thoughts

I hate feeling like it doesn't matter

Positive Things;

2010, January 21.

great, so now every night my phone just stops sending out my texts.

I am sorry for being so negative

there are so many things I hate at the moment;

being constantly stressed
not being able to plan shit
changes in the plans I have made
that my netbook screen is so small
that my phone stops working on me
that I am broke
and have to budget between smokes and being able to go out and do things.
my room being messy
no one cares when I clean up
anxiety
panic attacks
head aches
pms
feeling like I am never enough for anything
feeling like I never even compare to you
feeling average and even ugly because you are gorgeous
feeling frumpy
feeling vulnerable
feeling dumb
no one ever noticed that I’ve been clean for almost three months now
no one understands the physical battles I went through to do it
no one has ever shown they were proud of how much I have improved
no one cares that I care about school now
no one cares that I am actually trying to maintain something in my life
no one expects much from me
no one really listens to what I have to say
no one seems to even try to understand why I say certain things
no one appreciates how much I bus around with no complain
no one cares that it’s almost been a fucking year since my big fuck up where I sent into the worst times of my life and had everything crash down and now I have improved so much over the year, changed my ways, thoughts, attitude, and focus.

no one cares enough to notice.

there is a number of things I dislike that you do.

I made a wreck out of my hand, I put it through the wall, I made a fist and not a plan. Call me a reckless wrecking ball.

I hope you see that you are doing to them, what all the others did to you. it hurts.

grilled cheese makes me horny.

You are the love of my life,

grilled cheese, you complete me. Without you I feel empty inside, when I have you I can’t help but smile because you satisfy me.

should I be even worrying about that? it makes me uneasy though.